Tomorrow marks the start of my work year.

There are things that need doing right in front of me. It’s truly a blessing.

I’ve been working non-stop since I started in my first year of high school.

There was a period when I got carried away and played around for a while, but my brief stint as a delinquent quickly showed its flaws and I couldn't pull it off. Those one or two years of epicurean days ultimately changed the rest of my life into a harsh one, and I still suffer from its aftershocks. I’m still struggling to come to terms with how to tame the self-indulgent person I became back then.

I once heard that if you skip practicing the violin for a day, it takes many times that to get back to where you were.

I know I’ll be working until I die, but daily desires are not so easily controlled.

Looking at it positively, perhaps those indulgent times back then could also be seen as a period of nourishment.

Whether it was food, alcohol, or that, music, movies, or even that other thing, perhaps there were things I could only have mastered with ample time.

What I wanted to say is that there are clear tasks before me. This, in turn, is a great luxury in life. Isn't there anything more terrifying than having time where you don't have to do anything stretching out before you?

In other words, there is a part of me that I cannot touch, even if I wanted to.
Put another way, I no longer exist.

I am dead. This doesn't mean my breathing has stopped.

Or does it?

Starting tomorrow is a company convenience, but

I’ve been working like this on New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, and even today.

I am living today. I want to live today.

This is what truly resonates with me.



It seems Kōzan Takai kept goldfish in this ceramic pot, which would normally be used for a brazier.

While admiring the goldfish, how did he confront the difficult task of taming himself?
How did he face it?

This year's challenge is to forgive myself. To forgive others. This is a vexing problem.

← Diary-T 189–194