To Tsuru-san.

The morning of November 17th last year, the day after Tsuru-san’s sudden death. I happened to be home on a day off, and my heart began to race. Stunned, my knees buckled, and I collapsed onto the sofa. The moment I heard the news on TV, I thought, “What?” My hands grew cold in an instant, no, a chilling cold spread through my entire body. It was frightening how a single emotion could make one’s body so cold. I was dazed.

The TV then switched to an episode of Anpanman, and I watched it blankly, thinking, “What is this…” S-kun, who takes care of my plants, came over. He was concerned about my pale face. S-kun himself shared the story of his younger brother, who died suddenly in a traffic accident. “I understand that feeling of your body going cold very well!” he said, and he quietly went about his work that day. I’ve known S-kun for a long time, but I don’t know much about his private life. Yet, in that moment, I felt he was very close.

I had some coffee. I received a LINE message from Rei-chan Sakuma, who plays Batako-san, checking on me. Yama-chan called. Everyone was at a loss for where to direct their feelings. No one could believe it. I took my daily supplements. As I did, I thought, what a ridiculous act, to take supplements for maintaining health when someone has lost their life…

Various media outlets asked for condolence comments. I always decide not to give comments. My thoughts are completely scattered. I can’t bring myself to offer words of sympathy.

The group LINE for Anpanman was constantly buzzing with sad notifications. There were no messages from Tsuru-san. This was strange! She was always the first to contact me if anything happened.

I canceled the theater performance I had planned for that day. I couldn’t focus on anything. We had dinner together just three days ago. We drank together. I can’t believe it. It was Tsuru-san, Mitsuya-san, Mina-chan Tominaga, and me, the four of us. It was always a gathering to celebrate Mitsuya-san, the eldest, and also to enjoy delicious food.

That night, Tsuru-san kept exclaiming “I’m so happy!” over the grilled fugu I had chosen. She placed her backpack, the same one I had, behind her chair, and we ate side-by-side. She was also excited about playing golf the next day!

She didn’t care about tanning. She loved golf, loved drinking and smoking. She loved the color purple. She loved watching sports, loved comedy. She was very clear about her likes and dislikes. I met Tsuru-san about 40 years ago, and for the past 30 years, we’ve been the well-known Anpanman family! She was a member of the family. I recommended Tsuru-san for the role of Dokin-chan when she first appeared around the 14th week of the show’s run. It was a perfect fit. Both as a team member and as family.

Her acting was superb, and she was always full of wit. In the studio, everyone had their regular seats, and Tsuru-san always sat to my left. Incidentally, Rei-chan Sakuma sat to my right. Tsuru-san’s impatient and meticulous personality was very similar to mine, and we understood each other well.

If she liked something I was wearing, she would get the same item. We went to the same hairdresser, and recently we were using the same watch, backpack, and other items. Most importantly, she loved the BG brand more than anyone. She also read my blog every day. Because of that, she knew almost everything about me.

As a result, during our last meal together, she laughed heartily and said, “Wow, it’s been ages since I went for a medical check-up with ‘Ane-san’! It’s been since we went together!” “Hey, hey, that was decades ago!?” I also laughed heartily. Yes, in Tsuru-san’s emails and LINE messages, she referred to me not as ‘Ane-san’ but as ‘Ane-san’ [with a slightly different nuance, implying a more familiar or older sisterly bond].



We also traveled together to many places. As a team, we went to Kamisuwa, Hawaii, and Austria. Personally, we went to Korea and elsewhere. We went so many places. She was always the most meticulous person among us. So why, in the end, did she leave without a proper farewell to us? How are we supposed to find closure? I am still in a daze.

Around that time, I was on tour for the stage play “Himitsu.” During travel days, I tried to distract myself on the Shinkansen by organizing receipts, listening to music, or reading, trying to shut my eyes and ears. But in unexpected moments, tears would well up. On stage and off stage, I just kept crying and crying.

One morning during a regional performance. As soon as I woke up, tears would fall. I cried on the Shinkansen, and then fell asleep from exhaustion. I’d wake up and cry again. I cried in the dressing room too. The sadness just grew and grew.

Finally, the day of the Anpanman recording came, the week after Tsuru-san’s death. I think everyone felt they didn’t want to go to the studio. Tsuru-san, Tsuru-san, Tsuru-saaan!

During our last meal together, she had asked me for a favor. “Ane-san, I’d love it if you could appear on ○○. It’s a show I really love,” she said. “Okay, okay. I love that show too, I’ll do my best to be on it,” I replied. So I have to do it!

November 20th (Monday), Anpanman recording day. A moment of silence. Masuoka-san’s eulogy was delivered in a quiet voice: “I am sad.” No matter how many times I looked to my side, Tsuru-san wasn’t there… We endured. When it was time to deliver our lines, we tried even harder. We jumped and patted our chests, trying to regain our composure. Everyone struggled to deliver their lines while crying.

I will never forget that day’s recording. (Since then, we’ve placed a Dokin-chan plush toy in Tsuru-san’s seat. To have her participate with us. We also give her plenty of her favorite snacks.)